The Naked Taser

Yesterday a bit of fun was had on twitter discussing jobs where funny things have happened. Very similar in many regards to the excellent “Dogberry” column that has graced Police Magazine for many years.

It seemed like a good idea to pull a few together here. If you have an interesting tale send it to me and if good I will publish. thecustodysgt [at]


Many years ago as a probationer coming toward the end of my 2 years I was still a non police driver. (yes. It took that long in those days). I was however pretty fast on my feet and developing a reputation as sprinting thief catcher.

One evening I was passenger on the divisional van and we got into a pursuit with a stolen car. Traffic soon got involved, then as used to be the case, every other car on the division in a long daisy chain! This was the days when constables and sgts in my force wore blue shirts, there was no body armour and we had loose link cuffs and a wooden truncheon.

The car was chased all over the place and eventually the 4 occupants abandoned the car and did a starburst in every direction. Police cars screeched to halts all over the place and cops jumped out in hot pursuit. I was out and off across a grass verge and down an alleyway after one like Mr Bolt himself.

The radio was alive with shouts of people detained and “can we have a dog”. Then over the air came a fellow officer just out of his probation. Out of breath and clearly running hard; “2973. I’m on Greendale Avenue and I’m chasing the fat one in the white shirt toward Pudding Lane.”

Apparently at that point the fleeing thief in the white shirt stopped running and with a good lead on the officer turned to face him. The next message transmitted on the radio came from the Inspector. “Oi! Thats me you cheeky git”


Second tale. Funny but not quite PC. Not nowadays anyway. Probably not then either!

Many years ago the neighbouring division used to run a Christmas party for local lonely pensioners. They held it in a church hall. It was a popular event for the attendees but less so for the young probationers who were told to attend and instructed to engage with the pensioners and invite them to dance. Much sniggering by more experienced officers would take place.

During the early evening after one such party had finished a colleague and I were working on our division and called to a sus’ circs’ being reported by a lone elderly female.

After chatting with the lady it transpired she had been at the aforementioned party. We had a look around and it was clear that somebody had been in the alleyway at the rear of her address having a mooch about whilst she had been out. No doubt up to no good but we could establish no offences. We offered reassurance and told her we would keep an eye on her place during our shift and pass it on the night shift too. We left.

My colleague then passed a result to the over the radio to the control room.

“We’ve had a chat with Mrs Miggins. There are no offences disclosed. It seems someone has been sniffing around her back passage whilst she’s been at the B division pensioners party”


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